What do we have left?
by GGAddict129
Summary: What will happen after Rufus discovers Lily's secret? Can they find their way back to eachother!
1. Chapter 1

**Hello all.! [; Please delight me by reading my fanfiction. Comments and constructive critism appreciate.! thank you! 3 [: **

**Disclaimor: i own nothing! **

"Tell me one thing. Is it a boy or a girl?" The words replayed over and over again in her head.

All she could see was the look he gave her, the pleading look that myabe she would confirm it wasn't true. She couldn't do that, though because was true.

And her reply when he had asked this? All she could do was shake her head from side to side, trying to clear it. How was it possible that he had found out?

As if reading her thoughts, "Your mother," he stated dryly.

She looked away, she coudln't look at him becuase it hurt. She knew he would hate her, probably already did and there was nothing she could say to justify her actions. She knew how wrong it had been to make those decisions and as much as she wanted to tell him there had been no other choice, she couldn't. Because that just sounded silly. There was another choice, maybe if she had been the one to tell him he wouldn't have been as upset with her. But she couldn't tell him for fear of him hating her, but that didn't matter because right now, she knew that he hated her, so all her actions to avoid this moment had been useless because he had found out anyway.

"Oh." That's all she could say. She very well knew he wanted an explanation but she just couldn't bring herself to tell him everything. She didn't want to talk about it. She didn't want to have to relive that particular expierience.

"Lily, aren't you going to try to explain yourself?" He asked. He was confused. She wasn't even defending herself, but whatever. He needed answers. He couldn't stand the site of her and the fact she wasn't even making an effort made him even angrier.

"This isn't the place." Lily simply stated.

"Why not? Because you don't want anyone to overhear?" He challenged.

'Rufus," she was numb, the feeling in her body was all gone, " I can't do this right now." Then she walked away. She wasn't sure if had called after her, but nevertheless now here she sat, about two hours later, her face drenched in tears. She was on the sofa, Serena had come in about a half hour ago, wondering what could make her mother cry like that? But she couldn't stay long enough to ask because she had a plane to catch.

Suddenly, Cece walked in.

"Hey, Lilly."

Lily looked up abruptly and eyed her mother with intense dislike.

"How could you do this, Mom? He hates me now? Is that what you wanted?!" She practically screamed. Lily felt like she was going insane, she couldn't grapsh reality and she wanted to crawl into a whole and die, her life wasn't worth it if he wasn't there. No, not those thoughts again Lily. You aren't 20, she had to remind herself.

"Of course that isn't what I wanted. But do you seriously think you had a chance in hell if you didn't tell him that you two had a son together?"

Lily was silent. She didn't want to talk about this with anyone. Right now, her life felt like it was falling apart at the seems. Everything she had worked so hard to maintain didnt' matter anymore.

"Lily, can you believe, after everything I've done that I love you and just want you to be happy?"

Still no reply from Lily. Cece debated whether or not she should give Lily a hug, but she decided against it and quickly left the room.

Lily got up, crossed silently to her room and slammed the door, although their was no need at all to slam it, then put on some pj's and went to bed, soaking her pillow in even more tears. Was it possible for her to make any more mistakes?

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	2. Chapter 2

Here's more! [: Thank you for the compliments and support!

"Good Morning, Lily."

She opened her eyes to her mother's crooning voice. She looked at her goose-down pillow and saw the streaks of mascara from all the tears she had cried last night.

"You have a visitor," her mother continued.

"Mother, I'm not in the mood. Just let me sleep," Lily replied. She didn't want to face reality and she really didn't care about the image she had to maintain. She couldn't believe her husband had died what three days ago and she was crying over someone she shouldn't. She was crying over Rufus.

"Lilian, it is nearly twelve o'clock. There is no need for you to sleep any longer. So, get up. You have a visitor."

"I'm not in the mood," she repeated. Her voice sounded dead. She didn't move because she didn't want to. All she wanted right now was to crawl back in bed, maybe even imagine her life if things had been differently.

Ugh, how did he manage have this effect on her? Every time she had a break down it was because of him. How was it possible that she let him get to her like this? It's because you love him, that stupid voice in the back of her head said, but she didn't want to admit that because the hardest thing in life is loving someone and them not loving you back.

_Knock, Knock. _

It must be whoever's here. She wanted to just reply go away, but she decided not to.

"Come in." Her voice sounded dead, it sounded unfamiliar to her and she had to be sure she had spoken.

The door was pushed open slowly and when she saw the guest her heart seemed to have skipped a few beats. She hadn't thought HE would want to talk to her.

"Hello," Rufus said. His eyes were bloodshot, much like hers, because honestly he'd cried pretty much half the night too.

"Rufus." It wasn't a statement or a question. It was a plead. A plead that hopefully he wouldn't run away from her.

"We need to talk?" She questioned. She knew the had to, but she still didn't want to talk about this. He only knew half the story, she didnt' want t oadmit her weakness to him.

He nodded and she took a deep breath. He took a look at her and she was beautiful, still, even though her hair was mussed and her eyes had dark circles under them. She was wearing a black nightgown and even though she wasn't trying to, she looked sexy.

Then, she began, " Well, as you know on August 23, 1981 I broke up to you, and as you later discovered, I didn't want to, but nevertheless I did. I was absoulutely heart broken. My friends noticed a change in me, and I frew apart from most of them. I became a zombie, just repeating each day, not really knowing exactly what was happen. For the first two weeks I was numb with emotions. I went to school and rarely went out except when my mother made me go to social events, where I put up a fake smile and unhurt exterior, but inside I was breaking. Then about three weeks, after I----," she faultered," ended things, I began to get frequent headaches. I figured it was just stress. I didn't care. I'd tried so hard to exempt all emotions and feeling away from me, so I pretended I was okay, but then one day it hit me. I hadn't gotten my period. Obviously, I hadn't been with anyone but you. Having this thing inside me made me feel closer to you and I thought of contacting you, but I figured you would have no desire to see me ever again. Plus, I wasn't quite ready to see you after the pain I'd put you through. Finally, about a month after I found out, I told my mother. I couldn't put if off any longer, I was starting to show. Naturally, she was pissed. You know my mother, she wouldn't have anything bursting her perfect bubble, so she sent me off to France where I was to live until I had the baby. She tried very hard to get me to have an abortion, but I refused. Iw asn't killing the thing that was part you. The only other option was adoption. So I did that. After I gave him up, I went back to that zombie state and everything was blurry in life. If you asked me I wouldn't be able to tell you anything about those few months. Then one day, I decided I was sick of everything. I didn't think there was honestly a purpose to live. I'd lost you and I'd given away the baby. What kind of person was I? One night in late May, my mother was out, and so I---"she didn't want to go on, she was embarrased of what she had done,"I took a knife to my wrists."

He cringed when he heard that. By this time there were tears in both his and her eyes and he was about to speak when she shushed him.

"Please, let me finish. Anyway, that night the maid, Clarice found me and immediately called my mother who put me in a clinic where I stood till I apperently got better. From then on, I pretended none of it had every happened, " she paused," Now, 20 plus years I see you again and immeditely i have those walls up because I'm scared of what might happen if I let them down. Then, Eric goes missing and it scares me because I know what it's like to feel like he does, you, being your stubborn self almost refuse to help me, so I come hear and sitting with you, cooking, makes me realize that maybe there are still feelings there, but I shunned them aside, because no, it's been 20 years. Something like that isn't possible. Then you kiss me at Eleanor's and I feel like I'm 20 again and it feels good, but I don't want it to. There's so many times I want to tell you about our," Lily chokes on the word, " baby, but I can't because everything seems so perfect and telling you would just make you hate me. And that was one thing that I didn't want in life. I never ever wanted you to hate me."

She was in tears, thinking of the fact that it was even possible that he hated her.

"Lily, I could never hate you." He says. By this time he's also crying, though he tries not to let her know he is.

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	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you all for the lovely compliments. [: Trying to update as much as possible. The holidays are coming up and you know how very hectic they can be. But, i most deffinetely shall try to keep posting. [: Enjoy! **

"Lily, I understand you had your reasons, but it still hurts," Rufus stated. He understood all she had been through and cursed himself for not being with her through most of it, but it still hurt find out that she couldn't tell him that VERY important piece of information.

"I know. Wow, I feel like such an idiot, because I don't have anything to say to you to make this better."

"Well, rest assured, Lily, nothing you say will make this better. I just came here to get the story straight from your mouth."

"Oh. Okay. Rufus, just please, leave!" She said quietly, but her tone of voice was deadly.

"I intend to. Thank you, even if it took you this long, I appreciate the truth. Bye, Lilly."

He turned and left the room and she sat once more on her bed crying. It seemed that there had been something final about that goodbye. Knowing this sent chills down her spine and she was suddenly blinded by more tears that just wouldn't seem to stop.

Ugh, he hadn't meant to be mean, he thought. But, she had hurt him, so all he wanted was to hurt her back, even though that was a little second gradish. What was the matter with him? But the truth was, they had nothing left. He couldnt' deal witht he fact that she had kept the fact they had a baby together and she hadn't intended to tell him.

Rufus sat in a cab, wishing the cab ride would go slower. He didn't want to go home, he didn't want to do anything. Suddenly, life seemed bleary and it seemed to dawn on him that he didn't have much left, except his kids. It's over, Rufus, he thought to himself. You and Lily won't ever be together. The truth hurts, doesn't it? Maybe they seriously weren't meant to bbe together. He got home in a whirlwind of thoughts, crashing on the couch, fighting back tears.

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"Lily?" Cece called out, as she peered into her daughter's room. Her daughter was no longer in her bed, which was quite a relief. Her daughter had been so depressed and maybe it was partly her fault. I mean, it was her faultLily and Rufus weren't together, maybe if she hadn't told Rufus they could have worked it out.

"Yes?" replied Lily as she walked out of the bathroom. She was now fully dressed in her black Alexandra Wang skinny pants and a Ralph Lauren Black Label Audrey Crewneck Tee paired with her Juicy Couture peacoat jacket. She was wearing her newly aquired Miss Dior Peep-toe Pumps and her hair was blown out to perfection. She wore Chanel sunglasses and a rosy red lipstick.

She debated whether she should talk to her daughter about Rufus.

"Nothing. Just wanted to see if you were up," Cece inquired suddely. Why was it so hard to talk to her daughter?

"Oh. Yes. I'm going out though. Be back before dinner."

"Okay. Where are you headed?"

"To make things right," she replied meaningfully.

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In the cab, Lily thought about what she could say, but she realized she couldn't plan this speech out. It had to come from her heart.

She arrived in front of his Brooklyn Art Gallery, having a strong intuition he would be here, instead of at home. When it came to Rufus and her inklings, she was usually right, so it wasn't very surprising to find Rufus at the gallery.

Slowly, she crept into the room, her heels clicking on the hardwood floor. He turned around, not at all expecting it to be her.

"Lil?" he questioned in awe.

"Hi, Rufus." When she said his name she sounded like a school girl and memories came rushing back to him.

"Lily, I don't want to talk to you right now," Rufus stated.

"I know, so don't. Just listen."

She took his silence for an approval.

"Well," she began, "would you be able to believe, after everything I've put you through that I was deeply and truly sorry and that it honestly has never been my intention in the slightest to hurt you?"

His silence continued and she didn't say it, but the silence cut through her like a thousand stabbing knives.

"Because I truly am sorry. I think, well, I know, that I handled this in the wrong way. I should have told you. I curse myself for not doing so, but I just came here to apologize, and to let you know that I understand if you never want to talk me again. Have a nice life. Thank you for being so great to me."

_I understand if you never want to talk to me again...thank you for being so great to me, _those words rang through his ears and she turned to leave. Yet, as much as he wanted to, he made no motion to stop her from walking away for what was very likely everAs she left, her hair caught the glimmering light and she practically glowed. She was the most beautiful creature he'd ever met, how had their lives gotten so mangled up?

By the time he made the decision to chase after her and tell her that he didn't want to lose her, she was gone. He had run outside, but she had already hauled a cab. Maybe it really was the end. Honestly, what do we have left?, he thought to himself.


End file.
